I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
