my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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