Soap is not a condiment
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
