Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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