Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
