Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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