remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
