I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
