My first STD was from a foam party
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You need Xanax blowdarts
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
