So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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