I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
