I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
