So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Randomize
