You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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