Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
my being single is dangerous.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
