He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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