Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Pants are for mortals
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
