who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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