my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
