You smell like a Billy Joel song
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
