her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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