im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
