just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
