Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
