You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
