that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
