just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
