Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
