at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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