Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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