I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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