if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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