i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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