who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Sorry my hands just texted you
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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