I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
