We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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