I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just googled if crying burns calories
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
