k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
