If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
