It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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