I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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