Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
