I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
