I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
