officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
