Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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