Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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