so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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