Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
