your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
