I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
